The wound of past wishes for romantic love not being fulfilled is churning in my gut as anxiety and grief. I am in mourning for what I wanted but never received.

I proudly speak of independence, but there is also a part of me that longs for a good partnership—one where I can let go of my constant need to take care of everything and fall into the arms of someone who will cherish me. Another part of me mocks this ideation.

Authentic romantic love with integrity is rare in a world where values of control, deceit, shame, and fear rule. Yet we are still overwhelmed by Hallmark Romances and other forms of romantic love in our entertainment. This industry is a billion-dollar industry, and so is divorce.

It seems we love to be gaslighted but not informed.

My experience mourning romantic love has given me insight into what I want. Instead of the fairytales I grew up with, I seek stability, peace, shared values, and determination to live life to the fullest. There are no butterflies here. My stomach has decades of fear it left behind.

Until then, I am happy to go at it alone.

But it is filled with grief.

Grief is complex

The feelings it brings are not ok, and I have trouble with not being ok. My OCD loathes it. My insides battle between trying to let go and mourn and trying to get back into control so I can function. My therapy talk comes in and tries to be at one with everything.

It is brutally hard.

I picked up this book. This is the first page:

Mourning Romantic Love

Here’s what I most want you to know: this really is as bad as you think.
No matter what anyone else says, this sucks. What has happened cannot be made right. What is lost cannot be restored. There is no beauty here, inside this central fact.
Acknowledgment is everything.
You’re in pain. It can’t be made better.
The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of.
You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.
Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

It’s Ok That You’re NOT OK – Megan Devine

Oof. That is hard to read, but it also brings some peace to have someone understand what I am feeling. I grieve my relationship for what I thought it was but never will be.

Truth always brings me peace. I may be up at night with belly aches until I get there, but I always do, and I’m always better for it.

So, if you are someone who is experiencing mourning of any kind, I am here to acknowledge you. I can sit with the blinking horror that was your life and wishes.

Actually, I am becoming exceptional with that.

You cannot move on from what you deny. With every painful truth, another path is ready for you to take.

As my body processes the past, I am already planning my future. The more I feel my grief, the more space I have inside to pursue my new dreams. My guts will let go of the old, and my passions will bring on the next phase of my life.

Peer Support

If you are looking for someone to hold space for you while you process your grief, check out my page, Trauma Peer Support.

My New Dream

My new dream is to help women leave abusive relationships and restore matriarchy. I believe a world built for authentic love rather than the old fairytale concepts will bring us more stability and less stress. Women loving other women (romantic and platonic) helps restore harmony. Plus, we need places to be safe and express our innate power in a world of abuse and patriarchy.

And if a man of worth comes along and shares these values, then romantic love full of integrity is available to explore. My inner hopeless romantic will love that. Click the links below.

The First Church of Matriarchy

Matriarchal Sermons

Mourning Romantic Love