The Revered Scapegoat – When one is lost in moral obligation to our threat

The Revered Scapegoat is the victim of abuse, used in ways that confuse the mind. One moment, they are rejected and abandoned. The next, idolized and shown off to friends. The latter feels like validation, but it is just surface acceptance because performance was sufficient to warrant praise. When praise is often lacking, it is easy to feed on the crumbs, yet the underlying need for love and secure attachment is still lost. So, the mind creates a wound of moral obligation – the desperate need to perform perfectly to avoid dismissal, obsessing over the crumbs as it becomes the only source of care.

This can show up as OCD, perfectionism, anxious and disorganized attachment, depression, and full-out fragmentation of the psyche, leading to dissociation and personality disorders. One’s identity becomes purely service, and authenticity is shoved down into exile or never developed.

It is one of the most wicked and coercive forms of abuse.

Revered Scapegoats become adults in a permanent state of seeking to fix themselves. Whether it is a drug, a diet, or a therapy, something must be found in order to remove what is believed to be wrong. The nervous system’s default is shame, internalized from the abusers. What is wrong is not the outcome of this abuse but the false belief system developed to cope with it. Underneath all the symptoms is the narrative that controlling oneself leaves less harm from others.

It is ridiculously hard to undo, especially if built from childhood. It is not impossible, but it does require safe entry into the dark wounds to find the belief hiding in exile. Symptoms show up to protect it so the pain it carries is never felt again. These symptoms can often become worse than the pain itself, but the memory believes otherwise.

Rewiring false identity is a gradual form of therapy that requires safe co-regulation to replace the harmful attachments. This can be another person, a pet, Mother Nature, a supplement, or an object that soothes the nervous system and feels protective. The goal is not to fix the problem but to return love and security to the body and mind. As it grows, the identity of the revered scapegoat slowly diminishes.

It is more about re-establishing the fulfillment of needs rather than processing the trauma. The latter comes with time when the body is ready to do so. One cannot clean themselves if the shower isn’t turned on.

Resources for the revered scapegoat

Books:

• My upcoming book – Fragments and Spells
• Book – Running on Empty
• Book – Controlling People – Read the chapter on the Teddy Bear
• Book – Healing The Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors
• Book – Warming the Stone Child

Worksheets and Programs:

My programs in the shop

• Practices with Mother Nature to regulate the nervous system
• The Pause – Return to Wholeness – The Practice
• Working with Shame – Undoing the Inner Critic

Therapies to consider:

• My Peer Support Program – Matriarchal Healing
• Internal Family Systems – IFS Institute
• Neuroaffective Touch – NAT Institute
• Trauma Informed Stabilization Treatment – TIST Institute

I have worked with and read all of these resources. My work with peer support is for those who are lost within therapy and would like an extra resource from someone who understands what is happening. It is not professional counselling. Please do seek other resources for therapy. My work is also for those who want some assistance but not full-blown therapy.

I cannot recommend these resources enough. I have used them on myself and found them very helpful. Feel free to message me on my contact page to chat about them. I love discussing good information.

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My Story

I was raised like Cinderella, the revered scapegoat of the household of abusive moms and abandoned dads. Called to serve, clean, and then become everyone’s emotional dump bucket when they needed to let off steam. I was “accepted” when I performed. My dad was around, but only by occupying space. “Listen to your mother,” he said while watching the hockey game. But he was around to spank me and tell me all about boys being better than girls.

I developed such a great deal of shame that I turned that energy into a self-destructive OCD involving a massive moral obligation to do everything perfectly. I’m talking even beyond wanting the perfect test scores or the cleanest house (which is debilitating in itself); I sank so far that I need to feel perfect. Every muscle ache, nerve tingle, hard swallow, sleepless night, and frantic thought was never ever supposed to happen, and if it does, a holy terror engulfs me. I scream, “I can’t.” “I’m going to lose myself in the abyss of dysfunction forever.” I can literally feel my body go into my head and my head supercharge with frantic energy. My whole body buzzes, tenses, and becomes restless. “I must escape myself.” “It’s the only way I’ll be ok.”

I went to bed picking my eyes out dry, and binging on cheese and orange juice. It was how I regulated myself. By day, I checked my body for fat, my nerves with suspicion of Multiple Sclerosis, and told every “negative” thought to go away. I developed Tourette’s, OCD, and hypochondria. It is now labelled under CPTSD after a psychologist properly diagnosed me.

It runs past my childhood and into generations of women before me abused. I have five other family members with the same affliction: my mother, my maternal grandmother, my maternal aunt, my maternal cousin, and my sister. It manifests differently in all of us, but the wound is the same: moral obligation to be enough, even though we were built with a severe lack of care to ever develop enough.

Healing began as soon as I was told I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The weight of shame began to lift as I understood the problem wasn’t me, it was the abuse that created a nervous system injury. Years were spent undoing layers of trauma, and today, I am facing the original split – the real me versus the abused me. The resources above were my lifelines.

The Trauma Split

In another blog, I will discuss further the split that occurs with severe abuse. I want to note that the feeling of having two selves is a sign of profound injury to the nervous system. The psyche splits itself in order to survive. The real self is exiled to remain protected, and the survivor self shows up in any way possible to minimize the abuse. Challenges arise when one is finally away from harm, but the survivor self has not let go. The exile screams to be heard and healed, but the trauma self fears losing control.

The same resources apply to heal this layer as well as processing the original trauma that caused the split. It can take a long time to gain enough strength and resilience in the body and mind to reach this destination. Think of it like the peak of the mountaintop. Training and building self-capacity are done prior to this experience. This work matters a lot as we must be able to breathe and move when the air is at its thinnest. Do not fault yourself for the time taken or the mistakes made along the way. It is all preparation and is worthy, as much self-worth and power develop on the journey. We discover ourselves beyond the survivor identity.