Planting Spring Seeds of Healing From Harm
It’s the season for new beginnings. I find myself at a crossroads regarding my personal care, my professional endeavours, and my return to independence. How shall I plant the seeds I want to grow this spring?
The spring equinox tells us to wake up gently from slumber and renew our self-growth. I can feel it in my blood. I am not sleeping as much, and my energy has increased. My desire to move and discover what this new year will bring me is igniting.
But the stickiness of indecision still remains. Just like the last snowfalls and cold spring rain keep us inside for warmth, I still sit with my inner contemplation about what holds me back from new beginnings.
I am experiencing a lot of stillness right now, allowing my mind and body to nudge me in the right direction.
My Relationship
I am on the last threads of my marriage, waiting for the right moment to pull the trigger and let it go. My fear of insecurity and instability in my newfound independence keeps me from removing the last of the threads. I have so much history with the rupture of my ability to function from the past, and I worry it will take me down again.
My Work
I am stuck on where to go with my writing, videos, and programs. I want to grow my business and clientele but struggle to do so. What is keeping me from attracting my audience? I can feel the inner resistance surrounding my core abundance of self expression. What do I offer people? How can I give without taking away from my own energy and stability? What do I enjoy doing that connects with what people want to buy? Where am I headed?
My personal self is highly intertwined with my professional self, as Returning to Her, Healing From Harm is my story meant to inspire and educate others. But that seems so vague.
My Healing
My own healing has reached another layer of wounding. I thought I had come to a place of calm and ease, but a strong startle response occurs when my body finally lets go of the tension it has been holding since the day I was born, and I can finally rest. I wake up from falling asleep with a panic in my stomach. I find myself hijacked in a loop of rumination and tension when sitting still in deep comfort. There is something inside of me that still stirs and it frightens me deeply.
I am so very scared of myself. I do not know where this belief came from, but I have a deep fear of my own body and mind. It must run perfectly, and anytime it is off, I get paranoid. It will be a profound journey to meet and be ok with my broken self.
As with all things CTPSD, my wound is complex. There is trauma, and there is a body full of injuries from a lifetime of improper care and nourishment. Even when my trauma sleeps, my body kicks hard. It is telling me that work needs to be done to restore baseline. This will be arduous for 49-year-old women looking for a divorce in the midst of perimenopause and uncertain financial times.
Seeds
Seeds. I am seeking seeds to plant for myself. What seed brings financial and emotional security? What seeds bring new business? What seed brings deep healing? What seed feeds my soul’s desire for authenticity in my life and work? What seed brings me joy and excitement for the year ahead?
Planting Spring Seeds of Healing From Harm
Planting Spring Seeds of Healing From Harm
Planting Spring Seeds of Healing From Harm
Planting Spring Seeds of Healing From Harm