I had a dream last night that I was back in the 90s before I met him, and I had a chance to restart my life again. I wished and wished with all my might that this could be true.

I had fire back then. Raised in a home full of domestic violence and child abuse, I still managed to become a young woman full of fire. I had no fear of getting what I wanted. I fought for myself and ran straight to my heart’s desires.

Unfortunately, it led me to him and my young body, full of romance and hormones, thought he was my knight in shining armour. I travelled to another city for him. I stayed up until 4:00 am to talk to him on the phone. He decided on the phone calls and visits, but I didn’t care. I was high on exploration and fun.

I used to run 45 minutes between classes at university. I stayed up at night to pursue my passions. My days were filled with learning. I still thought he was better. My best time was in my own apartment for ten months at the age of 20-21, where I lived alone, had a part-time job, attended great classes, and lived away from my family. I was in his city, and while that was blissful, the greatness was my independence.

Now, I am nearing 50, and thirty years of my life have gone by. I can accept that I will never have my youthful energy again, but I lost my fire and replaced it with terror. I fear like I have never before. I am losing my hair, weigh 200 pounds, struggle to walk up hills, and spend my days managing my anxiety with windows where I am well enough to write and pursue my goals again.

Five years after I met him, I moved in with him. Ten years later, I went on psych drugs. Fifteen years later, I went completely numb. Twenty years later, I wanted out and tried to wean off my med with disastrous results. Twenty-five years later, I was in intensive therapy to hold my psychotic break. Thirty years later, I am here and mainly ready to restore my life where I left it.

I regret so much. I have found my fire again, but now I have a massive backpack full of trauma.

Nearing fifty, how do I start again with so much more baggage and so less freedom?

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